hafacenturyncounting

The Dating Game; LIES

NOT to my surprise people are NOT honest on these sites. Why is that? If you are looking for a true match should you NOT begin with the truth about YOU( at least on some level)? In examining this foreign place I soon found that I perhaps should follow my own advice. Funny thing was I did not realize this applied to me until I started working on this piece.

This is a difficult place for many.  Often time , already wounded, already damaged and seeking a solution to the dilemma ..self included. I mean who wants to put it out that they are scared, vulnerable, and lonesome. Those are pitiful words/characteristics and WHO wants to go out with someone like that.

My LIE..I am only looking for “platonic friends”. Why do I criticize or talk about lies when I lied too.  I thought if I don’t suggest I am looking for a companion I could avoid the flakes, perverts, and jerks. However, once again proof positive we are products of our environment. What did I do but add to that which serves to both frustrate and annoy me. I do not hope to suggest you give out your social security number and address to each person you encounter, but you have to tell some form of the truth in the critical areas.

I concluded that I do not like the process and I am not willing to give it more of a chance than I already have. I felt pressured into presenting something that was not accurate. Was this step one? Well I will NOT be taking step two.

The Dating Game:”LoveLetters?”

I wait to hear your voice, but the sound of it is lost. I long to see your face, but only a shadow remains. I cannot remember being touched, because it is your presence I need.

Far from the place I spoke of at the beginning of this piece, is the area I now occupy. I battle to adjust to this new existence, but there are always surprises. This is my tribute to my NOW.

I will begin LoveLetters with what I feel is appropriate for the tone and direction of  my  NOW.  At least this is how I see it. Therefore rather than an actual note professing beauty, commitment, and undying emotion I begin at an ending.

Sadly my dear here we are. We showed so much promise. Not connected by the urgent factors youth present to us, we were able to coast. We could give one another a chance to take time to “smell the coffee”. Our journey to discover was however met with impatience and intolerance, I don’t mind admitting I was the culprit. You see against my better judgement I violated my own set of rules for you. I thought YOU were different, the only difference is now you do NOT have the excuse of youth and inexperience(young and stupid). Yet you still are. I am not here to bash you; I feel compelled to say “good-bye” with an explanation, not to be mean or ugly or expecting a reaction. This is about the conveyance of information. I like, you will not change nor will I make the necessary adjustments for anything to happen beyond what has already transpired between us, We could recover and move forward because of this. Good news is neither of us have invested virtually anything into this venture. It truly has been “eye-opening” for me. So the adage, You can’t teach an old dog new tricks is not completely true in this case, at least not for me. So good-bye my mysterious, almost _____( I have no idea where we were headed). You have to know you don’t get to make rules, set up guidelines, and not be able to follow them yourself, nor do you get to do those things without the input of the other party. You tried to and THAT my friend is a recipe for failure. News Flash.. YOU FAIL!

Best wishes and no further contact is needed.

I know that did not sound or feel like a LoveLetter but it was. It was for me, for my very being, and to re-enforce “I” am just fine with the standards “I” have set. I need NOT change, only the one that “fits the bill” need to approach. Right now It is undetermined as to whether or not he need apply.

One Step Ahead Of The Sorrow

Here it is getting close to 4 years since my entire world started to fall apart. It began as any avalanche does, all you can do is hope you are NOT in it’s path. Unfortunately I was. I took one direct hit after another. I kept pushing through, I kept moving forward. Not because I had any type of thought pattern which bought me to a reasonable conclusion. I kept moving forward because in the midst of turmoil, I was on auto-pilot and could only do what I was accustom to do.

Looking back I see that I am still on auto-pilot. I seemingly have managed to convince myself that I am moving in the right direction. In reality, I am just moving. I keep stepping because I fear what might/will happen if I slow down or stop. I fear the grief that i live with will overtake me and I will be reduced to a puddle, a puddle that no one will be able to bring back.

So I run; I run by working, I run by NOT sleeping, I run by putting on the brave face.  Some times in the day other times late at night, I look up at the faces I have surrounded myself with and I cry. Faces I will NEVER forget or put in the background of my psyche. The pain is no different today than it was almost 4 years ago, little over two years ago, and of course last year. I haven’t gotten over any of them, I have NOT gotten through any of the grief, I am still just trying to live. The fact I still breath and walk upright is an illusion..right there, just below the top surface lurks the weak, vulnerable being needing to go to the arms of the ones no longer here, wanting the comfort that ONLY their presence could provide and again I cry. I feel it for awhile and then I go back to doing what I am still trying to determine whether or not it works, keeping it moving and staying one step ahead of the sorrow.

The Dating Game- Swipe Left

I resent that as a lefty-of sorts( I write tend to use a fork with my left hand). Anyway all that to say, I do NOT associate the left with being bad or negative. Yet on this already insane ride I need to let my readers know swiping left is not a good thing, it is a rejection for one reason or another.

I answered literally hundreds of questions as I started this journey. I felt as a newbie I should be honest and to the point without giving up too much info that may put me at risk one way or another.

I have a formula and I have to tell you it has been revised at least twice since I began to take this seriously. I also must share with you, it too is flawed.

I started with what were desired characteristics and went from there. As a tall woman who is QUITE proud of this fact I felt a tall man would be in order. If the description indicated other than tall,he was swiped. Sometimes the height is NOT revealed, so then he gets to the next elimination phase. However sometimes the photos would tell a story; you know the guy standing near a  life sized statue of Danny Devito looking up, was a pretty good indicator he could be vertically challenged.

Your “deal breaker” may NOT be height, maybe it is hair color or educational background I  tell you this you will find yourself trying to give your choices more chances simply because after a very short time it will start occurring to you that YOU may be the problem. Don’t be discouraged, just keep swiping left till you see someone worthy, someone right or “right swipe-worthy”.

The Dating Game-Profiles

What can you say about yourself to complete strangers that you are comfortable with?

So begins my next installment…As we venture into parts-unknown we find ourselves vacillating between safety, mystery, interest You are asked to tell the site about yourself. I have found this part of the process on so-called legitimate sites “G-Rated”. Whew! what a relief. I am not ready for anything else and I KNOW it can get rather graphic and scary.

I , greenly, stepped into this being consciously and cautiously honest. I laugh as I look back. There are far more lies and liars that people seeking what they state. They lie about everything. Their names, what they do, what they look like and there are photos(LMAO about that one) AND what they are looking for. Hey it is a site specializing in connections. Not one that guarantees you will get married, meet a life long friend, or find a fabulous sex partner BUT my logical–ish type mind says to me,” in order to get close to what you are looking for you must put the right criteria out for review”. I clearly have a long way to go and many profiles to review before that happens.

I am laughing as I do this, I am not discouraged. It is fun. funny and time consuming. Being the confrontational person that I am, I actually love it when the robo–daters  and/or scammers approach me. Telling signs are as follows;

Really attractive individuals, individuals who do not post pictures implying the face you see is theirs(i.e. pictures of sunsets, beaches, etc)

Really bad communications skills from one with a profile picture indicating they are fluent in some type of language (e.g.”Hello these is a picture ov me skying  at the Vatican.”)

Introductions immediately asking  for another way to contact you cause ” you seem so interesting and they would love to get to know you”, in spite of the fact they seeming answered  the minimum amount of questions. PLUS you disagreed on 3x’s as many answers than you agreed on.

The last one I will mention is endearing terms..”Hi sweetheart, darling, honey, baby and of course, dear”.

Technology…I need to “stay in my own lane.” However, this online site is a somewhat safe, rather lazy, inexpensive way of reviewing possible options without  putting forth a great deal of effort. Again, it is time consuming but OMG!

No….

The scream is from deep within, felt and then possibly it becomes audible. The crying seems endless, because the truth is you could cry for YOUR forever. The feeling of being lost and alone as you stand, sit, lay among others is incomprehensible. The everlasting why plagues you from the moment you are made aware until….

I had just returned from a “spa morning” feeling wonderful with my east coast” sister”MaryJane when  2 of my west coast “sisters” reported in uncertain disbelief Kobe Bryant had died in a helicopter accident, as I grimaced and tried to digest that, Kim then followed up with there is a possibility his daughter(s) was with him as well. Tammy was in tears so emotional so heartfelt. We, my sisters and I, who talk off and on, all day everyday were quietly conveying to one another this would be a day that we COULD not talk.I started several times of calling MaryJane but couldn’t. I could not believe at first then as I researched and listen to them back and forth, I soon realized it was true.  Now I cannot breathe. It then returned, the feeling that randomly, periodically comes over me and I am overcome. THIS was TOO MUCH!

I am from L.A. I was never a basketball fan, but this is not simply about a game, it is NOT about a ball player..this is about a man and his child. He was a man who millions felt like was a brother, a son, a father of their very own. The loss compounded by the loss of his child, Gianna. I MUST ADD, ONLY a parent who has lost a child can fully comprehend this devastation.

As you come away from the fog that your own being comprehends, you think of those who are left behind. His wife, Vanessa… the wife now a widow, the mother without her child, for me there it is again. His other girls without their sister, there it is again. The tightness in my chest is real. I have suffered ALL of the same losses in the very recent past. So in an understated way I am feeling every bit of this pain, again. I am hurting with his FAMILY, the WORLD and the WORLD THAT IS HIS FAMILY. Kobe our brother, our son, our husband, our father. Gianna our “little girl”.

It is a wake up call to us all because this life is NOT promised to any of us. As cliche’ as it may sound or may seem YOU MUST embrace we only have our present moment.  Tomorrow IS NOT promised. Please cherish the moment.

The Dating Game

Come on now, you my contemporaries have to remember that show. As a little girl growing up in Kansas City, Kansas after the cartoons were over it was time for the game shows. In my innocent mind all I was watch was people matching answers, the questions and answers seemed rather stupid to a worldly 6 year old but I watched just the same.

Today dating is quite different. I watched my sons take different approaches to the process, I saw my single friends explore what was available. Now I ( by no choice of my own) have been thrust into the” oncoming traffic”. It is INSANE out here! One could do this thing called dating in a traditional fashion, one could float along aimlessly waiting on a miracle, or one could fall into the line of the real..ON LINE DATING SITES!

I who love roller coasters find this process “quite the ride”. As a person who enjoyed taking test, the preliminary screening process was fascinating and funny. As I answered the questions it was a bit of a self-discovery/rediscovery journey. I could not see the questions as invasive for if I want to be somewhat successful in this quest I have to be HONEST…screech! Come to a dead halt. How could I be so naive?? Okay first things first, truth is optional. That should NOT surprise you in  today’s society. With 45 and his ever ever growing wooden nose at the helm our country, our society has settled into lying as a way of life.

Next whatever you put down will likely be ignored, i.e., if you are looking to date “blonds under 5’5” do not be surprised when a self -described “leggy red-head” is sent to you as a 90% match. Yes of course I am condensing and over-simplifying the process so what I decided to do was make it a” part-series”. I have NOT decided how many parts yet, as this journey is just beginning for me. So stay tuned, follow along, and be entertained.

Tribute- In 250 Words Or Less

Jay Steven Russell was here. I saw those words scribbled in places they had no business being, how could I ever know one day I would be affected by the phrase in such an astronomical way. The number 13, alternative rock music, horror movies, silly comedy, curry and Korean BBQ all became special to those of us who knew and loved Jay because of Jay. Jay was born on February 13, 1987 at 13:31 a day I as his mother will NEVER forget, Jay departed this life on January 14, 2018 at 3:13 a day I as his mother will NEVER acknowledge.

When he entered a room the light would shine brighter. Jay had his favorites but he did not like one kind of food, one kind of music, one kind of animal, one kind of people. He was a kind, sweet, sensitive soul with beauty which was internal as well as external.  Jay was a giving person.  He was a wonderful son, loving brother, inspiring uncle, doting boyfriend, loyal friend and simply a truly good human being. I avoid the cliche’ “The good die young.” but we live with the fact that our Jay is no longer in our presence. To say he is missed over simplifies the obvious. To say we hurt is inadequate. Yet in our loss, our Jay still helped make others lives better(a lifelink donor). Jay was HERE and Jay will NOT be forgotten.

He’s My Brother…

There is a picture that hangs in my hall, there is a song by a group known as The Hollies

He Ain’t Heavy ( He’s My Brother)

Growing up we have loads of memories of our siblings. some happy some sad, many conflicting. Al was my younger brother. He was an independent soul. He was going to do as he wanted in spite of opinions and or consequences, but he found his solace, his element in the quiet confines of home.

The sole girl in the family I lost my star status when he arrived.  I was NOT real interested in the red, noisy baby. I tried to make him disappear by hiding him behind our large console color television in 1963. A prank I did not soon forget, due to the whipping I got. Al got his first hair cut and one could hear him crying like someone was murdering him, I angrily turned to my older brother and asked, “what are they doing to him.” He was across the street from us at our grandmother’s house; we could not see what was happening, and did not dare cross that street.  When he came home minus the mountain of hair and I could see he was okay, I was back to being the disinterested older sister. I was anything but disinterested, I just did not know it.

Fast forward  the years, he was no longer my little brother ; he towered over me in stature and that’s no easy task since I am 5’10.  He was smarter than me, I got a hold of his school records and read his I.Q. test result. I only had him chronologically. I watched him dote over my boys, and later become a father himself.  He was a dedicated son,  staying with our mother throughout her bout with dementia.

None of us are perfect, ALL of us are flawed. We do what we do, in  the way we do it, correct for the time and circumstance. PLEASE REMEMBER THAT. My memories of my little brother Al will be of undying love and admiration. He will be missed forever.