I completely overlooked this tiny representation of faith that was sent to me. When I revisited the contents of my envelope, I did in fact find the tiny seed. It was however crushed. What did it mean?
“If ye have faith the size of a mustard seed…. nothing shall be impossible”…. my faith as that mustard seed had been crushed. My life had in fact suffered several crushing blows. Yet I was still here, as the tiny seed, I was still here. When I told my friend who sent it to me, she without hesitation or time to think said,” Your faith is strong”. I did not say what I thought, I did not want to add to her anguish, for she herself had just suffered the sting of loss. I smiled silently and felt relief we were not face to face. If faith helped, comforted, or sustained others, it was NOT my place to speak of MY challenge(s).
I could not ignore the irony though. More than once in recent times, I had silent discussions with myself about returning to church. It did not matter what church. Why and what I was looking for is an enigma. Since I had not taken the step, I did not allow myself to be affected. I did wonder if this was my lesson in futility, I have convinced myself the answer(s) to my questions will forever go unanswered and I will then have yet another reason to continue my silent treatment of faith. How much pressure could that tiny seed take before it was crushed..but I had to concede it was damaged but it was NOT destroyed. Therefore it STILL was. The question of my faith being strong remains in my mind. However the strength of my will is present and not as much of a question.If my faith is strong, so is my will.
I still return to the crushed seed; the immediate response to it’s condition, and how I feel about the event in it’s entirety. While I do NOT think I have the strong faith my friend suggested I do, I have hope. I hang onto that hope for an answer; while at the same time realizing some things in this life do NOT have answers, at least ones that we as mere mortals can comprehend.