I Just Sat Down and Cried
Media is all over our lives. Everyone has a page or a profile on one platform or another maybe several. The point here is there are plenty of places to see what is happening around you with family, friends, associates, and strangers.
Times gets away from us in our busy lives. The calendar year may have twelve months, but I find myself gaging it by things that make sense to me in my world. My family member’s birthdays mark seasons, and seasons determine how quickly my year will go by. This was altered several years ago. The losses mounted and with each loss my center was changed. My life was virtually unrecognizable especially and perhaps exclusively to me.
The days turn into weeks, month, years, etc. It has been a decade since this tumultuous journey I am on began. Yet it still feels like the day it all began. I can still smell the fragrances in the air, hear the sounds and experience the pain. Sometimes I look at people who have had similar experiences, they appear to be better than I am as far as coping is concerned. I remind myself I only see what they allow me to see. I realize that there are many people who do not know me well, are not aware of what I have gone through and what I feel daily. On the surface I appear somewhat normal just as the others I spoke of do to me.
On a daily basis we go through the motions, and we manage to successfully do what is needed. The fresh psychological wounds are calm, at least on the surface. Like looking away as your doctor gave you an injection when you were a child; the pain was not as bad because you were surprised by it. We have grown slightly accustomed to them, we know they are with us and we function anyway.
A few days ago, as I scrolled through my social media accounts, reading posts, checking emails a series of older photos came up. I love photos, everyone’s photos, I quite naturally started looking through these pictures. They were of family vacations, graduations, and holidays several years ago. Years that my family was intact. I was not consciously thinking about how my life had been ripped apart. I was focused on the smiles and how clearly, I could hear the voices. My memory was transporting me to these places, spaces, and time periods without me being aware. Then it started happening, the faces awakened my awareness that these precious people of my life were no longer here with me. They no longer shared my time, space, and life in a manner that I could physically touch them, but I felt them. I felt their very being, their souls. I felt the losses all over again, I felt empty and drained. I got up from the spot I was occupying in a trancelike state. I walked over to my window and looked out for a few seconds, then I just sat down and cried.
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