Good Morning Mourning Heart Ache
And the title says it all. I will mourn for all the days I remain on this Earth for my son, Jay. Jay was one of the sources of my joy. Any of my readers who have children understand and know this to be true, because they have children. I will not try to address every tiny little detail of what it is to be a parent, let alone what it is to be a parent of a child who is no longer here with you. I want to tell you about my morning mourning.
It came in quite unexpected; it is never welcome but it a part of the experience I must and will feel. As I process through life, as I make ready for an impending relocation… I pack. I have relocated many times. While I do not enjoy the process there are many upsides to this venture/adventure. Plus, when you move several times, you learn tricks to make the process “easier”.
I am convinced this will be a well-prepared jaunt to my next space, but as I said, ” I pack”. As I do this prepared pack(ing), it is serving multi-purposes. I have a chance to clean, rearrange, discard, reminisce for moments. Sometimes you do get sidetracked, but all-in-all the sidetrack is a break from the job that MUST be done.
I have a place that I decided would be helpful, after we lost Jay. I did not dedicate an entire room (I could have easily done this), but I found a lovely Lane Cedar Chest, what once was called a “hope chest“. I felt a “hope chest” was an appropriate place to store some of my Jay’s things. This chest would be giving me easy access to the place where I can have things that make me feel those moments again. Plus giving the extra… a “special effects” type experience. Also, the mere utterance of the name hope, sometimes is what I need to give me some, yes HOPE. I was going to pack the office; I was passively entertaining the idea that the office may not even BE at my next spot. I looked at the chest and I started taking down some things; Jay’s diploma from Oglethorpe, a sketch my sister-friend drew for me of a cardinal, “Black Panther” ornaments (Jay was so excited about that movie but did not live to see it). I half smile as I think he and Chadwick Bosman probably have great philosophical conversations. I opened the chest, and my breathing became labored… I knew it was coming. The tears began to form and roll down my cheeks, my hands covered my face as though there was someone watching. I was paralyzed in that space, yet I needed to escape it. I walked out of the office in a “zombielike” trance and still covering my face that now was masking the sound too. I was blindly searching for a wall, so I could be held upright because my knees were weak, my heart was racing, my mind was spiraling… I was back at Grady Hospital January 14, 2018 hearing those doctors gently telling us Jay was gone. I without thinking simultaneously reached out my arms for his father and the love of his life, because I saw them both collapsing, and I only thought to lessen their falls.
As I was taken back there, I realized I was falling in that moment too, but there was no one to catch me. I did what I had/have always done, I took care of people. Family, friends, even strangers…. in that horrible moment there was no one for me because I assigned myself the position of rock. Today I realized I needed a rock and here I was in that place once again… this time there was no one else to be held up, but there was no one to hold me up either. This morning in my mourning, I came face to face again with the thought, “It will always be with you for the LOVE will always be with you….. Billie Holiday’s song sung by Diana Ross in Lady Sings The Blues came to my mind…“ Good Mornin Heart Ache” I had to write this, and the title seemed proper.
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