hafacenturyncounting

Until There Was No Salt Left In My Tears

I cannot begin to tell you, I cannot begin to measure, all I know is in the midst of one of my many crying spells I noticed my tears were not salty. I asked myself were my tear ducts tired or was my body deficient in some other way.  What ever the answer, I did not care I just noticed the salty taste was no longer there.

Maybe there had been so many I got used to the taste. Maybe I was actually producing them at such a rapid rate my body did not have a chance to include the salt, for after all our bodies do function in many ways like and assembly line. However, I did have to abandon those thoughts, because in reality the salt/salty taste has more to do with the amount of salt in your body than with production of the tears. It sounded good, it was a little poetic, it was once again a demonstration of the fact that there is a deep hurt within me that comes out with or without warning, and sometimes/many times it is in the form of tears.

Crying is something I do not have to think about, it takes up so much of my time analyzing it was effortless and inevitable. Crying is an individual sport with me, meaning I do it alone. I approach it in a systematic, logical fashion; I say as I collapse into a puddle on the ground. Problem is this experience defies all I know, all I have been taught. There are no rules, no guidelines. Therefore, there is seemingly no help and everything is a testing ground.

I do see a change though, as the tearful spells continue to arise from seemingly nowhere for no apparent reason. Perhaps that is normal, and perhaps that is a part of my new “normal”. I am told by other parents who have lost children, year two is worse than year one. I appreciate that “they” do  not try to make folks who are a part of this group feel “better” instilling false hope. “They” tell you the real truth, your expectations are already nil. The hope you have is, to somehow survive this, and you are made aware that the only way to get through it is to go through it…”The fire that burns but does not consume”.  Hurt, pain, agony, and the common response to all of them…crying. With or without salt.