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LOSS-Everybody Needs Attention

One morning as I woke and slowly prepared for my duties of the day, my dog looked at me in the needy fashion that tells me she is ready to go out and I better put some urgency to it. I handled her and came back inside hoping to sit and just be… alas she is feeling good and relieved, it is time to play. Then I became aware that other daily duties needed to commence as well. I tossed her the ball for a few minutes hoping she would tire soon. She is such a sweet, cute, fun, lively dog, I wanted to tell her as I looked deep into her eyes,” Tiana, I am trying to be sad here.”

My family needs me. I have an ailing spouse to look after, meals to prepare, a house that needed attention(cleaning and such), a business to maintain, and another job I had to prepare for in the evening. I realized I am doing/trying to do waaay to much. However, that has been the case for sometime now. I was able to manage before though. Life forces us to keep moving forward, even when we do not want to. Sometimes you cry your way through a task, but you get through it just the same. The formula for the next task; you get up, throw yourself into overdrive, and you keep moving.  Exhaustion tries to take over and flex it’s muscle, you do not relinquish anything. People look at you and wonder how you do it. Funny thing is you wonder too.

As I struggle through, living through this horrible, horrible thing called LOSS one thing  I can tell you is this; sometimes you just don’t want to be “bothered”. You are NOT yourself; you have a hard time understanding who you are and why you are. You would love to have help, comfort, understanding but the one thing you truly want and need… NO ONE is able to provide you with. That is not to say the efforts are not admirable, appreciated, or welcomed..it is merely explaining a person in the midst of the storms of loss and grief are just not in the same consciousness as others are, at many times.

As I write this I warn the loved ones who remain around us not to give up, the person you know IS forever changed, but there are remnants that are right below the surface of that being you once knew, struggling/trying to come back to you. If you give up and walk away, they may be lost to you forever.  Keep calling, texting, stopping by…we want you with us; we just don’t want to bore you with OUR TROUBLES.