Sometimes It Just Doesn’t Seem Real
2:13 in the morning, I am actually preparing to go to sleep. I made the mistake of napping earlier in the evening. I am restless, but very aware I need to get that REM sleep. The tele has gone into the inactive state. Now images from my picture library are appearing. I pay them little attention, but then an image of Jay (my late son), Carlton, and Wes (my late husband) appear. It is Jay’s 1st birthday. His face and hands look as though they were dipped in the chocolate frosting. They are all smiling, clearly posing, but they is a sense of joy on their faces. I stop in the midst of my sleep preparation and allow myself to immerse myself in that moment in time. A time when my family was intact, a time where I could not fathom 38 years in the future. The place I currently occupy. For a brief millisecond that feeling is real.
I hear Wes’ voice; I see the kids’ irrepressible smiles. I feel “at home”. Then, my consciousness awakens. I am alone in my bedroom. My “Tiana’ sleeps at my feet (for now). Without thinking but surely knowing, my eldest is in another state with his family, my youngest son and my husband are no longer here on Earth with me. The overwhelming sadness engulfs me. I do not breakdown on the outside, but on the inside what I feel simply returns to the place it has occupied for the past 8 years, ever-present and unwavering.
For a short period in time, we can sometimes let our mind do what is needed, so that we can continue to function. We never forget; we simply learn to manage or let the forces within us take on and take over, that which we are not equipped to. The truth is sometimes it just doesn’t seem real.
hafacenturyncounting 