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Stiffled

Here I am unable to put down a single thought. I am not without words though. They simply hurt to put down on paper or into text. You can be sitting still or in the midst of a task, when the burning sensation creeps into your heart an engulfs you. Don’t fool yourself into thinking you are better or you are beyond the child-like wails, believe me they are still within you. Mom passed away at 5:00 A.M. on Sunday October 30th 2016 in Harbor City, California..she was 82 years old.

It all happened so fast, I decided to go with the pace. I figured we would all be better if we could physically put this painful time behind us. Well we didn’t put it behind us, we put the pain out of sight. We did not think, we did not realize or reason through the fact that there would be reminders all around us. Even things we were certain would be okay are a source of anguish.

One day it will all be better, one day there will be smiles, but for now each sunrise or sunset serves as a reminder of one we lost who was so dear to us. She nurtured us, she taught us, she gave us love and care like no other. We took for granted she would always be with us. NOT that we believed or thought she’d live forever.The thought of such a loss was to overwhelming for us to deal with, so we pushed those emotions aside.  Even as we watched a strong independent pillar slowly become frail and confused, we comforted ourselves with denial.

Since the loss is so devastating, instinct tells us to run, hide, look for that protection and comfort; then the ironic reality sets in. She is where we would look for that comfort, that protection, that reassurance that everything will be alright, but she is gone..what is a child to do?