hafacenturyncounting

Going Off On A Tangent

Oh, how we love to hear ourselves speak. At times it is to a point that we do not even realize how self-absorbed we truly are. I remember a song that James Brown sang a few years back , “Takin Loud And Sayin Nothing”. I was not a fan of James Brown in those days. I do however appreciate him now. I had to listen to him to put myself in a mindset to write about this  subject and James put me in that state.

I periodically find it difficult to concentrate, there are so many things going on in most of our daily lives. We feel odd or concerned when we cannot remember things, but the busy-fast pace we exist in can be pointed out as the reason. It takes time to process everything and when you do not give proper time to any project or endeavor the results will reflect the negligence.

Now right in the middle of all of this, my position changes again and without warning. I find myself vacillating on the smallest of decisions. Yes, this is a pure demonstration of lack of concentration. Do you have too many things pulling you in too many different directions? I think we all do. There is no time to slow down, because if you do you may miss something else. It is easy to see how one might loose track of where they are or what they were talking about.

It is hard to be effective if you are not grounded or centered. That applies to conversation as well as active, hands-on projects.  Something is missing when we waver, so our battle must begin and we must bother to recover that steady spot. In that mode of recovery our sense of being, our center needs to be retrieved. Otherwise you may find yourself,  literally speaking, in the middle of nowhere and wondering just how you got there.

sour….

This comes up from time to time and I feel compelled to address it yet once again. It is my personal effort NOT to fall into the category.

We will begin with the glass half empty scenario. I have always consciously said I am the “half full” person, but then I examined real life situations and thought how many times did I think or verbally express something like, ” Who left the half full soda bottle in the family room”. We have become condition to say we are the positive being and the correct answer for a positive being is to say “half full”. However, what do you think when left alone with your thoughts? Really. Think about it; if your encounter with that half a bottle of soda is negative what will your question be,  and how will it be delivered.

No one wants to be negative, but negative things occur in our lives. We cannot ignore them all and we certainly cannot be PC all of the time. Plus why would you? I think a better way to approach this is to just be real. Therefore let’s journey into real for a bit and visit my old friend”sour”.

My dear friend/ally/ sister once told me in the closing part of a conversation,” you don’t want to become sour”. That has stuck with me for over 12 years now. She told me that as a passing thought, but it stuck. I cannot give an exact date, but I know where I was and who I was working for. That narrows things down quite a bit. Those things are only important to me if I want to determine the exact time thing. I was 40 and said to myself, “Yeah she is right. No one wants to be bothered with a mean old person.” My thoughts turned to how many I knew and how often I had run into the type in daily passing. I pictured the scowling faces and I heard the ugly tones coming out of their frowning mouths. I vowed that I would not become one of those people.

Perhaps 40 was premature to decide something such as I would not become sour, but that is what I did. I believe that we do not just suddenly wake up and become anything. Time is a factor and must be taken into consideration. Fast forward to now at 52 I am forced to see that maybe I was not so successful in avoiding that “sour”. Along with that nasty disposition and grimacing face comes the need to assign blame and responsibility, as you may have guessed “yours truly” is not going to be tagged for any of this negative material. However, the mere fact that I have bothered to recognize I am not to blame forces me to admonish I am. Where are the scapegoats when you need them?

I looked into a mirror and saw the lines of “that mean older woman”. I tried to smile her lines away, to no avail.  The gray hair didn’t help either. Therefore, this is my shout to my contemporaries; Stop It Now. Don’t let traffic, daily routine, and “other rude people”put a permanent scowl on YOUR face.  We are not as young as we used to be, but we are resilient. We have to be, cause we are still here.

Who Do You Think You Are?

This is an excerpt from my novel in the works…

First there was the sign from God… I walked into my living room and noticed how the light shone in from the skylights. I was putting a book away and then it came to me, there is a book missing. The book was the family Bible.

I took it from its safe haven and looked at the golden name engraved on the leather book cover; the name of our family, the name associated with my husband and sons. I said to myself,” I should have had our fist names engraved instead”. Then there was a flood of information and confusion: what names would you put? your first name or your middle, my husbands first name or his middle. I saw that the controversy I was trying to avoid was deeper than just the name(s) that it occurred to me should be on the Bible; and no matter how I was dancing around it, I was still trying to be cleverly deceptive.

Knowing exactly who you are is a lifetime process. It never ceases to amaze me how much we take for granted, when we should be treasuring these things as gifts. I am/was fortunate to have made friends with a very sweet lady, who just happens to be a member of The Church of Latter Day Saints. Genealogy is very special to Mormons and they have a vast collection of resources. I took advantage of my friend’s offer to help guide me on this personal venture and I will relay my trip.

Once I embarked on my journey I found out very quickly that for all I knew and thought I knew about my family, it was just a surface scratch. The truth was that I had only a vague idea who I was. What’s more I had an even less idea about the people who are related to me.

On a personal note, and it seems I always have a personal note, I am pretty certain who I am. I can trace my lineage back to the mid- 1800’s just from my memory of what has been told to me, through photos, and obituaries. This by some standards is nothing, but the farther back you go the less connected you are. The personal attachment becomes weak and frayed. Surprisingly there may still be some family resemblances one can detect. Having this kind of information is valuable; but remember the rules of a collector’s item  and apply them here, for these “items”are only as valuable as what someone is willing to pay for them. Thus, the assignment of worth can be tricky.

Dry Spell

I have ideas hanging around out there, but cannot seem to put them down. My level of concentration is zilch.

What does a”would-be-writer” say when they are unable to write. “Dry Spell” says it all for me.  I feel like I am in the desert, alone, no shade in sight. When you write there is a conversation that is ongoing with self, and when that conversation is absent you feel very isolated.

My words are my escape. I am hurled into parts unknown, yet the journey is welcomed. I am at the helm, so to speak. Imagine being in a storm at sea, while it is terrifying being tossed about and you feel so tiny and insignificant, would you feel any less terrified in the middle of a calm ocean? The vastness alone is overwhelming.

While this period, this time was short-lived, it seemed like a lifetime. There is only so much you can say, about not having anything to say.

Perhaps you have experience a “Dry Spell” of your own. It doesn’t simply apply to writing, that was for me because I write. Figuratively speaking, it is simply an unproductive period. What do you do when you feel that way about work, school, relationships? Mine was a relatively simple fix; I let it run it’s course and it remedied itself. That however, may not be the best solution for other circumstances or situations. Think of a runaway rail car, eventually it will stop. Question being when and how.

Not having the cure-all for this period, I say it is better to take some action rather than no action. Don’t walk away without making an effort to move things along. All that may be required is a small push, while in other instances it may be a mountain that has to be moved. Whatever the case may be; since it is you and it is affecting you, get behind that helm and steer.

A Chronic Case Of Temptation

Feeling neglected, unappreciated, and ugly; what happens if in walks your Achilles Heel.  It won’t take much.  You are vulnerable, but moreover this is wanted. There are no guarantees that even in the most ideal circumstances that this very same culprit will not invade your space. The question is what will you do when faced with this challenge.

Let’s fast forward to the consequences. Why do there have to be consequence? For one thing the hint was Achilles Heel, weakness. To approach something that leaves us open to danger gives us the sense of foreboding and taboo. We humans love ” to get close to the flame”. The adrenaline rush, the excitement gets us going, and before we know it we cannot turn back. To be honest we may not even want to turn back. Would you worry about the consequences if there were truly no way for anyone that you didn’t want to know, would or could know? This calls for honesty too.

However, it is not all about consequence. There is the amazing indescribable feeling. It is both visceral and physical. What do you have to counteract such an attack?

First you need to think, and I mean really think long and hard about what you are about to do. Don’t brush past anything, for that will leave room for excuses and others to blame. Remember, ultimately you are in charge here. Be prepared for what happens, that means taking the bad with the good. I put it that way because the good (pleasurable) will overshadow the bad and the possibilities thereof. If you think of the good part first it will allow you to put that bad on the back burner, it needs to be on the front burner. Still feeling cavalier after taking all this in, consider your very own conscious. Can you live with yourself, because you cannot run away from that being.Finally, the ideas and realities of karma and God(not necessarily in that order).

I  say do the right thing. I am not  going to tell you this is easy, it is not. I believe that when we try to be a good righteous person and challenges appear in our lives, the fact that we consider the wrong things or even do the wrong thing and feel guilty afterward does not mean we are lost souls or hypocrites; to me it means that we are on the right track, we just have a hard road to tow. It is manageable, it is just a matter of choice. Good Luck

Back To Where We Started

“The more things change the more they stay the same.” I was once told this in passing by a friend. At the time it was directed at me, now the tables are turned and I will redirect that same statement at this same friend and a couple of others. I wonder how astute they are, I wonder if any of them will know or even suspect that I am sending  this out to them. This is not mean, it is not a “dig” at any of them. Simply stated, it is just an observation.

Have you noticed how you tend to think of people in the time and state in which you last saw them? You see a child of a friend and first thing that comes out of your mouth is, “Wow, you sure have grown”. Why do we think everything revolves around us? That question asked and once answered that may explain how we can allow our minds to get to such a place.

Reuniting with people allows us an unique opportunity to visit a place that no longer exists. It seems the older we get the more we want to be in that place. It is safe and always open for alterations, even if these same alterations are not true to form. I can, at last, now say that my visits to this Xanadu has become less intriguing. The inhabitants have changed so much due to the inevitable, I sigh with relief that I  can always make a non-committal stop-over and not be bound to that place with them.

To the afore mentioned individuals I laughingly acknowledge and point out the avoidance. It was unnecessary; for we as adults are afforded what escaped us as youths, the ability to say we have had enough or even no just because we want to without further explanation. We must welcome and encourage change, because change is progress. I do not desire to be in numerous places of my past, but there are some parts of it and some individuals that I would like to remain CURRENT with. By saying I would like to remain current simply means, there is a point of interaction where we can be in the now and it is safe.

Do Ya Feel Me?

I want to write something positive. I would like for it to be thought provoking, but most of all I would like for it to make the readers think of something that makes them smile and appreciate some thing or some one. This could be a difficult task because I have to draw on my feelings for these words.

As I stare upward at the clear night sky and take in air, it all seems so familiar. This autumn night gives me a feeling of deja vu and while that is generally a good feeling it is still unsettling. I make myself ignore the unsettled part and surrender to the good. Over these past  52 years how many of these type of nights have I been blessed enough to see and appreciate.

Maybe it is the view of Pacific Ocean after a steady, cleansing rain.  Watching the waves crash into coastal rocks and give way to the tide, knowing this is so massive that all you can do is take in the splendor with your eyes, but being grateful you are able to enjoy it in this simple manner.

The things you cannot buy or possess, but you can be in the moment. The moment that could amount to hours if you choose to stay, or it could end in a few seconds if you choose not to.

As a child who grew up in the suburbs of Los Angeles, I cannot tell you how excited I felt when I watched a doe and her two fawns grazing on my clients property in North Georgia. Not roller coaster excitement, but the amazed and awe struck excitement of experiencing nature first hand.

Perhaps yours will be a child’s birth, and your first one on one meeting with this new tiny being. Maybe it will be the flashing colors of wild flowers growing along an interstate highway as you drive by. Whatever it is take it in and hold on to it. If you are lucky you may revisit that spot again in person, but if not you will forever have it to hold in your mind’s eye forever.

Do You Torture Yourself

Now why would someone even consider something like torturing themselves? It does seem rather masochistic yet you probably watch a news show or pick up a newspaper( a reputable one, if that even exists anymore). Stocks plunging, murder and mayhem, political views any one of these has the potential  to create stress , I am speaking of stress at a high level too. We are now all very aware that stress kills.

Lately, I have found myself spending time watching programs that have stories of South Africa during its apartheid  period. I have seen stories of the cruel treatment, murder, and injustice. I was curiously compelled and captivated by these stories; I was also disgusted and angered at a level which made me ask myself, “why, why are you still watching this?”  I recall hearing(and I don’t know when or where) the United States was South Africa prior to the Civil Rights Movement. I cannot say I agree with that statement. Also very clear in my memory is my “adopted”mother never being interested in films, miniseries, etc. that depicted slavery or the segregated south. She simply said, “I don’t want to watch that sh%t, I lived that sh%t…”

Angered by yet another something that I have no control of. Sometimes I just feel like I want to, need to scream. I cannot just scream on command, for no apparent reason. Watching these programs are enough of a catalyst for me to call up that anger. Once it is released, I can move on.

Parents often make children do things they do not want to do(i.e. eat your vegetables, clean up your room). This may seem harsh at the time, but ultimately it teaches the child some valued lesson and/or is good for them in the long run. Perhaps this is the very place we learn about dealing with the bad.

Therefore, we lament. Enduring the bad relationships, staying on a job we hate; in some way these things help hone our coping skills or do they? Being the tortured, tragic soul may in some way symbolize a hero and you cannot be a hero unless there is a test or trial to overcome. Do not forget the final essential component in this process, you must move on.

Like Buttah…

This a tribute to my all time favorite songstress, Barbra Joan Streisand.

I cannot tell you the first time I ever heard her sing, but I can tell you each time I hear her sing it is an event. Barbra could do a duet with the most unlikely, untalented individual; in my mind the song would be a hit, because her voice would make you forget and completely ignore anyone else.

I have become a cynic when it comes to love and romance. Yet when she sings the stirrings of youth return to me. I can remember my first crush, with the breathless fluttering in my heart and soul. The symphony that is her voice, makes me want to recall that time.

She is a musical instrument and she will take your breath away. As I watch her in concert and I am in awe and perplexed, to hear the sound that comes soaring from her being is simply amazing. It looks so easy, the way she sings, and yet you can see it comes from deep within her. Her sound resonates and fills any space that is in earshot of. The next time you need beautiful, pick up anything Streisand and let it play. 51 Gold albums, 30 Platinum albums, and 13 Multi-Platinum albums in the United States speaks volumes of this lady.

Beyond her obvious musical talent/gift what I like, admire, love about Barbra is that she defies what we as a judgmental society say is beautiful and acceptable. She did not about change her name the way it was suggested. She certainly could have changed her face, but the signature features remain the same. Her politics are genuine and supported in the most outspoken fashion. Her generous contributions to charities demonstrate she has tremendous heart.

Finally,  in my book Barbra is simply and completely BEAUTIFUL.  “Like buttah”, she IS “buttah”.

Love It Or Leave It

Let me go on record here, “I HATE POLITICS!” Perhaps it is because I do not understand them,the process has evolved so during my lifetime that I am basically playing “pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey” when it comes time to vote. I know who I like or who seems to be a decent enough individual, I know who appears to be intelligent, but I have no way of determining how much of a change will take place with these individuals once they get into office. Politics reminds me of the horror movies I enjoyed in my youth, there was invariably some ugly surprise and it would keep you on the edge of your seat until the movie ended.

I do love America. She is the only homeland I know. I have no real desire to venture outside her boarders. When one looks at things that go on around the world, I say “I’m good”. We have every desired climate, scenery, and terrain one could want. While other countries and continents have history and landmarks of the ancients, I am happy with video images of them. They are after all of those other places and I feel no connection, beyond this is interesting or that is beautiful. NEXT.  Additionally,  that does not say this is enough for everyone, but then you have the ability to go if you want. I am simply happy here in my small, little space.

However, because I am basically happy I do not want you to interrupt, interfere, invade my small space or way of life.   I feel that way about outsiders and insiders( i.e.politicians). I am not against government for, they like policing agencies, are necessary. My faith makes me want to hope for good individuals who will do the right thing, it also makes me aware that MAN is flawed and needs guidance. Therefore,  the checks and balances systems must be put into place and remain there.

Naturally, there is an expectation that everyone in our country has the basic best interest of the nation at heart. The more visible individuals the President, the Congress, the House of Representatives have a particular spotlight shone on them. They are the embodiment of the general population, US. I cannot remember the last time I really trusted those people though. I clearly remember my feeling of hope when this President was elected. I knew it would not be an easy road for him, this was no “turkey shoot”. Overall I believe he is a good decent man, unfortunately there is virtually no place in the political arena for that type of being. The more I am exposed and involved with politics the less I want to be. It has the feel of a dirty family secret.

If lawyers have a bad name, then politicians should face the guiotine upon the completion of their terms of service.  For the only service they appear to be providing these days is to SELF. They ALL need to understand and be held accountable for not doing what we put them in place to do and that is to serve THE PEOPLE of the United States.

Our country is a good country. It has ideals that are truly admirable. Although, now we now face a  system that is aging and that appears to be the only real change taking place. We have classically been trendsetters, rapid movers, a country that is truly ahead of it’s time. To be so young and successful, now we are dealing with our growing pains . What are we going to do? The critics of our government say it is too big, well going about the task of shrinking it with the “folks” who are calling for a smaller one may result in us getting just that. It may come on the form of a dictator.

Personally, I will take America as she is right now.  There of course are problems; we have to work through our problems, and that is simply what we need to do. We must be able to count on the officials we put into power to exercise and execute it in accordance with what we the PEOPLE elected them to do. To all the unhappy individuals(Tea Partiers here’s your personal invite) ” take off on the next thing smokin”.  Me, I am here to stay.