One Step Ahead Of The Sorrow
Here it is getting close to 4 years since my entire world started to fall apart. It began as any avalanche does, all you can do is hope you are NOT in it’s path. Unfortunately I was. I took one direct hit after another. I kept pushing through, I kept moving forward. Not because I had any type of thought pattern which bought me to a reasonable conclusion. I kept moving forward because in the midst of turmoil, I was on auto-pilot and could only do what I was accustom to do.
Looking back I see that I am still on auto-pilot. I seemingly have managed to convince myself that I am moving in the right direction. In reality, I am just moving. I keep stepping because I fear what might/will happen if I slow down or stop. I fear the grief that i live with will overtake me and I will be reduced to a puddle, a puddle that no one will be able to bring back.
So I run; I run by working, I run by NOT sleeping, I run by putting on the brave face. Some times in the day other times late at night, I look up at the faces I have surrounded myself with and I cry. Faces I will NEVER forget or put in the background of my psyche. The pain is no different today than it was almost 4 years ago, little over two years ago, and of course last year. I haven’t gotten over any of them, I have NOT gotten through any of the grief, I am still just trying to live. The fact I still breath and walk upright is an illusion..right there, just below the top surface lurks the weak, vulnerable being needing to go to the arms of the ones no longer here, wanting the comfort that ONLY their presence could provide and again I cry. I feel it for awhile and then I go back to doing what I am still trying to determine whether or not it works, keeping it moving and staying one step ahead of the sorrow.